I've been very thoughtful lately about my state of slavery. Since I am required to write 30 minutes tonight, I was thinking I'd take a break from the fiction I have been writing (non erotic!) and try journaling some thoughts.

The interaction between She and I has been widely varied over the eight weeks since we began. At first, I was euphoric. Then I was alternating between bliss and smoldering resentment when the demands She placed on me began to take their toll and I wasn't getting the things I need (or at least really, really want; need is difficult to assess)

Lately, I've been wondering if this is really for me. You can see in my lj earlier when I posted (Feb 6th) when I said she had committed to owning me, forever. So lately I've had second thoughts, because... I keep asking... why am I doing this? I know I'm a perv, and I know I'm compelled into this by the urge I have. But where will I be in 6 months, a year, 5 years? Will I be any happier? Will I look back and be delighted that I made Her happier? Or will I just be bitter that I'm not appreciated? If I really end up feeling like it isn't worth it and that I'm unhappy, what recourse do I have?

The question that obsesses me lately would be if, given a me that was normal, or given a me compelled to be a slave, which would She prefer? Assuming I was happy in either case. Assuming that if I were normal I'd be an equal partner, not just living there. (In other words, I'd be helpful, albeit not necessarily as dedicated to helping as if I were a slave)

It feels to me like I need Her to want me as a slave. I guess because if I'm the only one who "wants" this, then when I'm questioning whether it is worth it at all, then why even continue? Why do it if I am at best so-so, and it is Her second choice? And what am I doing it for, if it is not to have joy in serving? Kinky sex once or twice a week? (And aside from that, can I not have that anyhow?)

She told me it wasn't my choice any more. She told me I committed for life and so did She, and that was the end of it. She said She wasn't going to let me out of it regardless of remorse I expressed, and that if I tried to get out She "would almost like the challenge". Damn.

It has been awfully hard though. In addition to 40-45 hours a week of "real" work, I'm spending probably at least 15-20 hours a week on extra work due to my position, perhaps more. There's a good 30-60 minutes a day of things on the list, then there's another 30-60 minutes of chores which have just become my duty, like dishes and laundry. I think boredom is my enemy here; I'm not at all put off by hard work. I could do things that interested me, especially that I loved, all day every day. That's fine. But the housework is drudgery. It will be the same, every day and every week, forever. Of course, some of the things have been spiced up quite a bit lately, but outside of the spiced-up work, there's a lot of work. Then there's a hundred little things that fill the gaps - fetch this, do that, going to help Her at HER work, they add up too.

I'm not sure if my hesitance, my reluctance, is the amount of work, the drudgery of work, the fact I'm insufficient motivated, too coddled, or what. Maybe a bit of all.

On the other hand, She has evolved some mannerisms which titillate me. She gets this amused grin when I am wearing something embarrassing. She occasionally talks down to me, mocking me for my dress, or my submissiveness; it's very... I don't know, I'd say erotic, and it is, but it does really "put me in my place". Her extreme decisiveness in declaring that She was going to keep me this way, and I didn't have a choice, almost made me feel that way.

In some ways, it reminds me that being (ab)used more is almost better. If I'm feeling oppressed or such, then at least I'm feeling like a slave, rather than a forgone conclusion.

I guess in the end I have to wonder: what does it take to be happy this way, consistently happy? And if I'm not, can I do it unhappy just because she tells me to? Can I be unhappy but satisfied? Should I settle for that or try to force changes to be happy and satisfied?

I'm mindful of the fact that it is too early. Things are still changing too rapidly to decide what's what. I'll obey, I'll express my feelings, and I'll trust that things will work out.

It's been a while since I've posted. Actually, not a lot has happened to discuss. We've had one memorable night (I think perhaps all my orgasms might be memorable from now on?), but tonight, she gave me a list.

It gives me something to do every day of the week. Every single day includes some sort of sexual stimulation - butt plugs, nipple clamps, rubber. Every day includes one or more chores. Some have several. Some have extra exercise too. (Well, except for the weekends; those don't have stimulation but that's probably because Saturday is "play day", and Sunday I'll probably be grateful to have off by the time it rolls around!)

Slipping into goodies tonight, I was overwhelmed. Arousal, guilt, humility, happiness, longing all swirling around in my head. I ended up so aroused I had to clap on my chastity device. I think I'm going to leave it on all weekend while my Mistress is on a trip. The last time I put it on then took it off for comfort, thinking it would be fine, I broke a rule and came without permission. Of course, also, this time the only key around here is sealed in an envelope. For some reason, that thin paper barrier feels... solid. I know I shouldn't break it without a dire need to. And She will return Sunday night. So now I've sealed myself away, but I'm aroused in many other ways, and my fantasies are running to the wild side.

In any event, I'm having to do one of the chores the hard way, so my nipples are going to be soooore.

I love to see you smile. You have a lot of smiles. There's the amused smile, the fake smile, the bullshit "smile because you asked me to smile smile", the no-teeth "they're taking my photo" smile, the lol smile, the gleeful "zomg I just cut a super doohickey to craft with" smile... but perhaps my favorite, you have this beatific smile of joy. I can't say for sure that it really means you feel what it makes me feel, but it conveys this sense of being at peace with the world and some genuine joy at your life. The occasions when this smile makes an appearance are one reason that I believe that you are truly a wonderful, wonderful person.

Thank you for tonight, but especially, thank you for that smile. It means the world to me.

Wow, I went nuts tonight. She took off to do something with someone, and instead of chilling around the house, I call her up.

Me: "Hi."
Her: "Hey, what's up?"
Me: "Me: I'm a lunatic. Tell me to dress up and fold clothes."
Her: "Hah, okay. Yeah, do what you said, and I won't say it."

Okay, is it topping from the bottom? Not really, I'd say. Maybe a teensy bit, but I'm just like, bursting with horny submission. And then once I got going... wow. I seriously abused my poor nipples. I did four rounds with the clover clamps (that's 10 off, 10 on)... well, slightly more than 10 off near the end. Then I attached the "cowbells". They're these cowbells attached to vicious clips of death. So impossibly painful. I think I'm an endorphin junkie. But whatever, it's good ;)

But you can imagine, if I'm horny enough to call up and beg to play little slave boy, I'm horny enough to do something I shouldn't. I quickly realized that, grabbed a zip tie, and zipped the club fem biting teeth chastity thing on. (I'd have used the cb3k, but I don't have a lock around I have a key to!) Anyhow, I slipped myself back into my latex bermudas (And other stuff) after I got that on, and HolyFuckOw (tm) that hurt, as the penis sheath was squeezing the thing into my cock. I went a while, then my penis hurt so much I figured I might be unable to wank anyhow, so I snipped it back off. It wasn't quite true, but it did keep my hands off it long enough to damper me down.

Anyhow, I did a lot of clothes folding, toilet cleaning, and so on. By the end, some 3-4 hours later, I was sopping wet inside my latex, which is just the biggest sexalicious feeling evar. I was just dying to wank, but I was also dying to serve. It's like a race: my submission side is flying to hog heaven, dreaming of being used and abused, and my horny side is writhing at this feeling, which is like a whole bodygasm as it is, desperate to cum.

I never did. At one point, I told Her that I was insanely submissive, that I'd "lost it" (by which I meant I more or less slipped into full blown sub space with all the pleasure and pain) and told her to tell me something she wanted from me, so I could beg to do it/give it/etc. Seriously, when I enter that headspace, I am no longer in control of myself. I'm not sure what limits I have, if any, in that stage, but a few ludicrous things that slipped across my mind:

* Beg her to let me get another job to pay for her leisure and other budgetary items so she could lounge around all day
* Beg her to go ahead and divorce me, so she could just keep me around as a slave and have an easier time meeting someone else.

Anyhow, eventually, I had to come down, and I showered and stripped. The damn Bermudas (a Denber product) are going to tear - they have a tiny, tiny little hole the crotch, which is how everything bigger than briefs that goes on my legs ends from them. But I'm (hopefully) about to order a nice catsuit and probably a boiler suit, maybe even a better rubber bag. I'll use those. Mind you, for the money, the denber stuff isn't bad. I have a damn chest full of it, and I've torn maybe 3-4 things. (One shirt, ripped from the armpit, and 3-4 pairs of pants/tights/etc) But since, for example, latex leggings/tights cost like $30 US, how can you complain?

Anyhow, it's too bad she was super busy tonight, but it was a pretty fun night anyhow, and I got a lot done. (Seriously, clothes folding is a major bitch)

Lots of interesting (and many new) things last night. I love you. It was good, and yes, I thrive on it. You are wonderful, and I am very grateful to be with you and in your service. I am yours, forever.

Yes, care and feeding of your slave is easy. In 15 minutes of effort or less, you can go a long way to recharging their battery. Your slave feeds on sexual stimulation, humiliation, and some occasional pain. With proper care, your slave can last a lifetime. Here are steps to take:

* Give your slave a mantra - like "<Your name> is my Mistress, I am only happy as her slave, I must obey her every whim." or, "I live to obey my Mistress, I must please her in everything I do." and set him at repeating it (aloud) while masturbating. (Don't let your slave have an orgasm! This can result in unnecessary repairs!)

* Most slaves come with a fetish. Go ahead and expose them to it whenever you have time. It helps to let them get good and aroused, and then instruct them that they should thank you for indulging their sick fantasies and teaching them to go without orgasms so they are better able to serve you properly. (If you are training your slave to do a certain thing, act a certain way, or think a certain thing, then keep their penis locked up using the chastity device (included in all deluxe packages) and only let them get aroused when they are doing what you want to train them to do. Eventually, the targeted desired behaviour/thoughts will associated the with arousal.)

* Pleasure yourself. Go ahead and remind your slave that you can pleasure yourself as much and as often as you want, but they aren't allowed to enjoy it, because their being desperate to cum makes them better at serving you. It is advisable to refer to their desires and genitals as worthless, their orgasms as dirty, etc, as they feed off the shame to become more submissive to you and happy, which makes them more alert and happy in their service. (Make sure your slave thanks you for the privilege of being involved in any of your glorious orgasms, and also thanks you for the gift of keeping them chaste.)

* Tie up or otherwise bind your slave. Feeling physically trapped by you reminds your slave of their place. The longer your slave is restrained, the better.

* Humiliate your slave with your body. Use them as a cushion, a footrest, or a toilet. Or have your slave lick and/or kiss any part of you that you enjoy. Spit on them. Give them a pair of (used) panties to wear a while as a helmet. Have them lick your toys clean. Have them nestle their face into your ass, your feet, or anything else that might be embarrassing for them for a while and remain silent.(And of course, insist that your slave gratefully thank you for it... a slave forced to thank you for passing gas in their face is a slave who knows their place)

* Make your slave suffer some pain. You can do this as part of an active training regime to correct failure, but it is also advisable to occasionally cause your slave some pain and let him or her know that they need to suffer pain either for your amusement, or to keep them responsive to your whim. Remind them that you can do much worse if you are not pleased. (And of course, insist that your slave gratefully thank you for it)

* Humiliate your slave with gender-inappropriate clothing, diapers, or body function control. (Force them to use or not use the toilet when you say, for example; order them to stop swallowing for an hour so they're force to drool)

* Send your slave off to come up with ideas about how they can better serve you. Pick one of their suggestions and add it to their duties. A slave that isn't failing at something isn't trying hard enough to serve you.

* Have your slave write down or journal their most private thoughts, and instruct them clearly to include the most embarrassing or arousing thoughts without screening, so you can use them.

* Assign your slave to domestic service, and make it uncomfortable. And make sure they thank you for it. If you have trained them well enough that there's nothing for them to do, you might want to occasionally make a mess for them to clean up while they watch.

* Have your slave find and read (and possibly save) stories appropriate for his station, that include a dominant female and a helpless, hapless male. Perhaps have him write brief paragraphs describing how each makes him feel and why.

* Have your slave perform (additional?) exercise in order to be worthy of serving you.

* Have your slave arouse themself near you in as embarrassing a way possible. Things like: rub himself on a flat surface, masturbate through a (wet?) diaper, masturbate while wearing your underthings, or outright cross dressed (or... using used pads, or whatever your wicket imagination can dream up). As usual, don't let him orgasm. Go ahead and comment on how ridiculous he looks or acts, how perverted he is, and note that these things are clear indicators that his arousal is clearly only a tool evolved to keep him obedient to your superiority, and evidence he should not be permitted to orgasm; unlike your orgasms, which are beautiful and are his privilege to witness.

See page 2. (In other words, a couple more things coming tomorrow when it isn't so late!)

(1) Head space. It's critical. The little things (what we did first tonight) and what we did later, were both nice, for different reasons. Admittedly, I like the endorphins, and I like the sensations, but I enjoy the head trip for both. Somewhere between the face sitting and the spooning, "I want to do anything for you" is burned across my brain.

(2) When I asked that thing you didn't want to answer, it wasn't out of jealousy. It was part of the train of thought from above. I'm needy, needier than I'd like to be. But, you know, ownership has its privileges.

It's been an interesting couple of weeks, but slow. Tuesday the 6th was that crazy talk (for life! still has an impact), and a lot of latex. That Sunday was the bag incident. I'm still feeling like I need more, though. The 6th=>11th was 5 days, and the 11th=>today was 5 days. It feels to me like this:

0 day - how I'd make the world. D/s play every day.
1 day - (ie, tue => thu) Hey, it's life. No big deal.
2 day - Sun => Wed. I'm getting a twitch.
3 day - Mon => Friday. This is, I think, where I start to build up negative feelings. It depends. This last week, this would correspond to Mon => Thu, and I had a thing I get to do for fun scheduled every Thursday, so I can't really hope she interrupts that with "fun". This is a hard thing about my position - not being able to really plan anything for myself. (Which isn't really a good thing; I'd rather be doing something on her behalf that wondering if she'll want me for something, and I'd rather do something for me than sit around wondering if she'll want me... I like structure, I guess, or at least some level of foreknowledge)
4 day - Sun => Friday. Where I am right now. I'm not sure what my deal is here; I still feel good in some ways, but, I don't know.
5+. I just get depressed usually when I get here. It happened last week when we went Sunday to Sunday (which I guess under this nomenclature would be a 6-day gap)

So clearly, this is me being needy somehow. I don't like putting pressure on her, I'd rather her act of her own will. But this is a difficult thing to dedicate myself to sometimes, and our activities - which vary wildly - they just make me happy. I've admitted that service along doesn't really fulfill me in particular. It almost seems irrelevent. Like, relative to the past few weeks, this week (say Mon->now) was fairly light. I doubt I'd feel significantly different if I'd been "heavily utilized".

Meh. Back to stuff.

( Sunday Night )

...

Minor poetic license taken, but otherwise, true story.

Several things that we have done have had fairly profound mental affects on me. This was one of the two. The first, years ago, she the time she she tied me, face down, on top of a rubber sheet, crawled on, and then while lovingly snuggling me, urinated all over me. (And, to boot, told me to masturbate by rubbing myself on the bed before I would be untied) That time was not only an amazing fulfillment of some long-held fantasies, but this impossibly submissive experience and a validation of my desires as acceptable - to her. I've described that experience as transcendant - and I have to say, I don't ever recall feeling that way before. It was profoundly submissive, and put me in an altered mental state. In all seriousness, it might well be one of 2 or 3 times I've really entered "sub space". I've figured that's what it was. Afterwards, cleaning up and showering, I had this blissful bubble around me, and it lasted literally for more than a week. I felt amazingly fulfilled - in fact, I didn't crave anything like that for quite a long time.

This was the second such experience. The breathing restraint combined with the physical restraint, combined with pleasure, combined with pain, and a few well timed mood-setters like the breathing tube pinch, combined with the sheer cutoff from the world, made it something otherworldly. Or perhaps it was the addition of genuine, illogical fear. Perhaps the feeling that my very life was literally in her hands. Perhaps the excruciatingly complete loss of control.

Anyhow, I feel very lucky and very loved, and my devotion on every level is feeling very high. Even two days later, the feeling in me resulting from it is profound.

Of course, this is what makes exploration fun, and this sort of thing is a gorgeous testament to myself in the belief that there just isn't enough time on this Earth to have all the experiences we would want.

Sunday night. Me. Tight latex bag. Nipple clamps. Inflatable hood, with breathing tube. And not long after She put the clamps on the second time, she climbs on top, and starts moving around with a vibrator, riding on top of me. All I can say is, the inevitable end result of riding and vibrating the wrong place was predictable, but I can't feel too guilty. It's not like I could object. And it's coming in story form, per Her request in the near future.

...

I notice that You have been assertive lately. Your gentle but firm assertion that you are in charge, or that you will do things your way... it makes me tingle. Scary, but true. I love that You can seize upon Your role, and integrate it into Your life. I've tried to do the same a bit. I'm more comfortable this time.

You're very good. I just want You to know. I know that some of this is new, and You thrill me and I love You, and You feel a lot more insightful than I remember. I appreciated our talk at lunch on Sunday.

I know You put off that other thing You were planning on Sunday. I'm waiting patiently for You to be ready, and I'm grateful for You. There's no way to do it a bad way. (Also, I remember the last time we dabbled there, and it was... well... otherworldly.)

Anyhow, this is mostly a note to say I love You. Happy pre-Valentine's day - I love You, and I am here to serve You.