Well, the D/s honeymoon is over. Actually, it was probably over 3 days ago, but we had a talk, and the next night was this latex-crowded haze, and that definitely put me back in lala land. Tonight I was mopey, and She asked me why, and I just said I was feeling tired or drained. And I am, but it isn't because I'm physically tired or short on sleep (although I may be, slightly). It's because I'm so into the lifestyle that I've superinvested myself into my role. I've actually had a very easy time differentiating work and home, and that's a huge improvement from last time, because last time, when I was consulting and working from home, it was distracting. I mean, if you're home alone with nothing but only semi-interesting work to keep you busy and you're bursting at the seams sexually, tough to keep your mind on it. Here, no problem: I get to the office, and I am at the office. About the only difference is I've been trying very hard to minimize my time there. I've been skipping lunch out with co-workers to ensure I can eat quickly or graze through the day, and get home asap when work ends.

Anyhow, I distracticon again. So it has now been just over one week since I committed to this. Well, committed is the wrong word. I agreed to start this and so did She. In that week, I've tried seriously to put out. I'm sure this is a process, but I've tried several times to express that I'm eager to have her exploit me. Not that I didn't try to be helpful. She has a business and I've poured thousands of hours into it over the course of years. I have always tried to do a fair share of chores, etc. (Trying isn't always succeeding, but we have never really seen eye to eye on who was doing what, and I guess we've just dealt with it) Anyhow, I'm coming to grips with my personality. I'm a maniac. I'm an obsessive maniac, and I have real attention for only about two things in my life. I can think back to several times throughout my life, and I almost universally had two things: a job, and some major side project, into which I poured literally untold hours. The side project always sucked up 15-20 hours. It has been gaming, making games (I've done major work on two hobby projects), software, poker.

I don't think this is a malleable personality trait. I think if I just embrace it, I'll be happier. But it puts me in a bit of a position - I realize why my family has been somewhat marginalized: if they're not #1 or #2, they're not really in my sphere of focus.

There's a downside to this, which is that I'm also a genius, and I'm mentally very active. My imagination and thought process totally run away with me. If you combine this with my obsessive personality, you can imagine that when I started a D/s relationship, I dredged up, imagined, or re-imagined like 10,000 scenarios. (I did). I am a virtual walking pornucopia of possibility. But it feels like we're sort of in the slow lane.

It was Her idea to do this blog, which is cool. I like the outlet, and I'm obviously treating it largely OOR (out of role), which is good, since I don't really like saying some of the things I'm posting, because I feel just selfish and lame for being a perverted, needy fuck of a man who can't just enjoy life and chill. But whatever, that's not me. Anyhow, the latex incident was good. For a lot of nights, She's had me around for orgasms for herself, which is also awesome. For the honeymoon nights, just the chastity device and helping get Her off was fairly thrilling. Now, it's feeling somewhat standard. I don't care if She wants to get off the same way 8 times a week, but it doesn't really keep my interest. The latex night was a+++ fabulous. I mean, hey, you saw the list, and I gave latex a 6. It's a fetish; I'm glad I'm not one of the people who needs their fetish object for sex, but it's still hot. Tonight, she had me wearing a little PVC maid's dress briefly, but while I appreciated the gesture, it mostly just made me cold.

Of course, it's only been a week. This could be biorhythmical.

Still, it's quite possible it isn't. My "obsess and execute" persona is thinking about a list with 100+ items on it (I think), of which I've probably rated 75% 3+ on a scale of 5, and a huge handful of 4s and 5s. I could seriously fill every night with some variation of pleasure, pain, humiliation, etc. Service is only the side effect for me. It's a very reinforcing side effect, and in this relationship where she tends toward vanilla (not right for each other?), it's sort of my offering. (It helps that I really, on every level, bdsm and not, enjoy that she enjoys having me be dedicated...)

Anyhow, it's been a week. From about late last night on, I was thinking: is this going to work?

Even if I'm willing to literally give every spare instant of my life and energy to her, I'm not sure if she can or will return whatever it is that I need, and I'm not even really sure what that is. I feel fucked, too, since I knew LAST Wednesday when this thrill shot up my spine that I'd missed this, a lot.

And that's a bit of the problem; I'm not sure what I want. Clearly, I have a slew of bdsm-classified desires. There's the straight-up reward category: like latex, or being involved in Her sex acts. Then there's the humiliation stuff: wearing humiliating clothing (like tonight), diapers, forced urination/dressing/eating/masturbation, or controlled urination/dressing/eating/masturbation. Then there's the pain category: nipple clamps, paddles and other beatings.

I like them all in the sense that, in the context of the role, they all have a place. Anything I rated a 3+ is probably stimulating and 4+ is almost for sure. These are all acts or objects that arouse me, and in the absence of an orgasm, that means my submission level goes up, my satisfaction level goes up, especially when they're used in context.

So what DO I want? I'd like to serve Her nonstop. I figure that I have 8 hours working 5x/week and that's mandatory. Outside of that, I'll do whatever. Over the past week, I figure I've probably spend around 2-4 hours per day, on average, doing things I would not have done (or would not likely have done) if I were not obeying her as a slave. For sure, almost every single night has included extra chores/work around the house that I might not have done. I did some extra things on the weekend.

I think I said this years ago when we did this, but I think I want 30-60 minutes/day. I think I need some kind of... memorable? impactful? significant? ... involvement around 4-5 days/nights a week. I figure a lot of these can be a few minute things. After all, "Go get dressed all up in latex" is about a 20 second command and it leaves me buzzed all night. (And I enjoy it, so in the context of a D/s relationship, it's clearly a reward). Likewise, "Go get on the shiny red dress, nipple clamps and a butt plug and clean the toilets" is a short command, albeit "bad". I like full blown scenes, although our scening from years back felt like there was some significant strain at times to come up with something I'd done "wrong" so she could "punish" me. (Realistically, I'd prefer infractions be real, or just say you want to beat me already! That's ok!)

Anyhow, aside from these offhand commands, I'd like to do interesting things once or twice a week. Some more-involved/more-time-consuming things I've seriously fantasized about lately:

* Total enclosure bondage. With hoods. Rawr. I love that I have two "bags" that do all-in-one total enclosure, and BOTH have zippers positions so you could get nipple access.
* Oral service+. She has been using a vibrator, which is nice, and by and large, I like her to have her fun. (I mean that on both a D/s and real level; I genuinely find my wife/Mistress to be quite hot, and watching her get off with a dildo is a beautiful thing, I just love watching her squirm and undulate, rawr.) That said, I'd love to do some kind of kinky face sitting. (What the fuck do you mean, face sitting is kinky on its own? hahah) I have a recurring fantasy where she face sits me while tugging on the chain connecting the japanese clover clamps. Holy motherfucking HOT.
* Urination. She once urinated all over me, and then ordered me to masturbate in it (I was laying facedown on a rubber sheet). I swear, that was downright fucking transcendent. At one point, I felt like I'd simply never care for anything urine-related again. And, truth be told, it took a LONG time to come back. I've always occasionally had piss fantasies, and she did that, and it stopped completely for quite a while. I guess it was like scratching an itch, but I'm itchy again. Last time we were doing D/s, she mentioned getting a "training stool", the sort where the domme sits and pisses, and the sub's face is positioned to drink it. Yes, I want my Mistress to force me to drink her piss. Yes, I am over my perv quotient. Fuck off.
* Pain. This one obviously would need to be in-role, because frankly, it'd probably irritate the hell out of me if I caught some horrendous beating for no reason. But if I did something bad, I've been longing to catch a bona fide oh-fuck-let-me-avoid-this-at-any-cost sort of beating. And I have to say, I really DON'T like it. Not even the medium ones; I just get off on submitting to them. (As a side note, I don't know if this is in the list, but I have a fairly strong and recurring fantasy where I'm forced to eat my own cum as a result of my orgasm, or milking, if I were being kept chaste for long periods... in real life, I've fantasized about this while masturbating, and the moment I cum, the thought of eating it absolutely horrifies the fuck out of me, and I inevitably clean it up normally... the one time I actually ate cum was at Her command, and despite how horrifying it is post-orgasm, I did it anyhow. This should make something apparent: I like to submit, and it's almost as if the "worse" the thing I submit to, the more satisfying it is)
* hypnosis - this is rather involved, but it would be fun to have her fake "drug" me and pretend to hypnotize me, complete with some adjustments to what I liked/did not like, wanted to do/not do, probably a post hypnotic suggestion (maybe command words to go back into trance, wet myself, have an overwhelming desire to lick her nipple, who knows?).

Anyhow, I figure I have something like 8-9 hours a day of free time, depending on how much I sleep. (When heavily D/s powered, I have consistently survived on 6.5 hours of sleep, and I sort of hate sleep anyhow. Love/hate, maybe, since sleeping in is nice, but I inevitably think of sleep as a big, fat, fucking waste of time.)

What's insane is that, underneath this all, and my sort of "loss of faith" now at the tail end of week #1 (fuck, does that bode poorly or what?), I'm still pretty damn submissive. I mean, I really, really want her to be happy. I want her to WANT to do this. In a sense, it's why I fantasize about total, merciless abuse. I wrote a "fake journal" last week that was a haze of nipple clamps, butt plugs, latex, and brutal servive for me, and general ease along with an extramarrital boyfriend for her. I'd actually live it. I want to be hard core submissive (slave?), and I want to stay there.

Anyhow, I'm putting my patient pants on; this has to be given time. She's plenty perceptive. Both days I got sort of so-so (that'd be today, and Monday night and tonight) she has noticed and commented. I'm actually probably obvious. Nights like those, I just want to say: fuck it, I'll go back to doing whatever it is that I do. Fuck bsdm, fuck marriage, fuck women, etc. But honestly, I have to go back over the facts: (1) 100% this is my thing. I mean, she may enjoy parts and pieces, and I'm sure she enjoys the service part, but she's not naturally dominant. (2) She's totally sweet. So sweet, she can't really be a bitch to me even if it is ++ for dominance. (3) If I'm the slave, shouldn't SHE be setting the agenda?

Still, both fictionally and logically speaking, it makes sense for a dominant woman to want to keep a man thinking of how to please/how low he is/etc. My various fetishes fit a certain paradigm of arousal and denial and "putting in place". There's actually some self-consistency to the fantasy that you can live as reality.

Anyhow, I don't know. I've just asked, cynically, what's different now from if I was NOT playing the /s role in a D/s relationship? I could wear latex or such any damn time I pleased. Hell, even outside the d/s relationship, at least one I wore nipple clamps, a butt plug, rubber and a red french maid's dress and went and cleaned up a bunch. Fake it until you make it? Obviously the answer is: Her. She's real. Her will is real. But if Her will doesn't involve doing the things that some part of me is longing for, what is that? The compatibility argument writ large. I mean, She was the one who said it first!

In any event, an hour of typing and a fair bit of drunkenness later, I need to stfu. Obviously, this whole thing is an exercise in sophistry, since She is probably the only one reason this journal in the first place. That was a very sweet gesture by the way. This is the problem with a dedicated relationship where people aren't really seeking the same thing any more: I'd move heaven and earth for Her, but that won't take her to a place where she spontaneously decides to jam a butt plug in my ass and piss on my face, just to remind me who's in charge. And she's lovely and sweet, and it reminds me of that. But I can't shake the feeling that I've fucked up somehow, and I should have figured myself out more before getting married.

One interesting thing that all this has taught me is that I am so fucking complicated, there's no manual that could ever come with me. When I think of Her, I can't help but figure she's the same, and it's clear that compare to her real, 3d being, I'm at best looking at a smudged 2d image. Fuck.

Bless you all, especially that one special person I think may still be reading as I ramble. May something good come to us all.